Since 20th January I am upside down. I find no place, thing or activity that gives me relief from that sensation that follows me incesantly. I cannot breath, I am not able to plan. A memory, a strong memory comes constantly to mind and I struggle to contain the emotions that provokes.
It goes back a good few years ago…40 to be precise! I had then enourmous fun queueing at 5 am , before going to school, to buy the milk for my family. I had good adventure time when following a truck during a late night, just before Christmas Eve. The question arises naturally :”why a 7 years old followed a track?” In order to receive a precious Christmas present. A box of bananas of which I just knew the name of but never tasted one. I thought I had an adventurous life.
I had no fun when I realised , around the age of 10 ,that that was not normality. I had no fan to be told always : you cannot speak. Just do what you are told. I had no fan when my father treated my mother as his property. I had no fan when I was told you cannot read any foreign newspaper, in case you find one. “You cannot speak to any foreigner, you cannot do any question, hence you cannot think” was the rule.
I had no fun hence I decided that that was no country for me. I told my mum, at age 10, that when I turned 18 I would leave , with her or without. I recall how she smiled, very incredulous . Then I kept silent as much as I could , although was not my nature. In fact, I failed no one time to make clear my point in conversations . I answered back when I disagreed with adult opinions and exposed my own opinions each time an opportunity arose. Even when doing so, I was unhappy. I felt I lived fenced around . I felt that those” walls” limited my thinking .
What was the point of it all? In school I learnt about Europe but I was told that it was no place for me to visit. I learnt about elephants but I was told I will never see one in the wild . I learnt and learnt and learnt things that I could just dream about, between the” 4 walls “I was forced into.
Then one day, aged 13-14, I was tired of accepting and started asking questions: Why I cannot travel? Why cannot I speak to a foreigner? What is on the other side of the”4walls?” . The reality in lived in became complicated . Many could not answer me , they were just silent or looked at me frightened. They answered “do not ask, it could be worse! Be happy with what you have. ” I had nothing !
I had nothing but my curiosity and hunger to learn and discover. The enclosure was tighter and tighter when I reached 16. The violent discussions at home were regular, the research for escape frequent. I could not comprehend those that accepted an linited reality . I could not understand how they could be so uninterested to the world. I could not give myself peace as I could not breath anymore.
Aged 18, I left, abandoning my mother and my sister to their own destiny . I left with the idea to never come back. That confinement hurt me so much. I was worried that if I tried to go back I will never be able to leave again. Once I gained my liberty, I learnt languages, I changed towns, I met new people and my life twisters. It took me time to unlearn the silence and it took me time to learn to smile. It took time to learn that I had the right to say no.It took me time to remove the signs that the first 18 years of my life left . It took me time to understand what living was. I had clear that I will accept no more barriers nor impositions .
I could see what was denied to many for such a long time. I could see… and how beautiful it was! And how interesting to express all my thoughts in a totally new language. I missed my family but my freedom was so dear to my heart. I could not abandon it. And I kept learning each day as the hunger for knowledge never abandoned me.
After 9 years in the Land of Beauty I met him, the love of my life. I was not alone anymore . We spoke 2 different worlds and” languages “. I told about my loner travels and I was fascinated by his recounts of far away travels, his knowledge and his understanding of the world. To the point that after 6 years together we decided to move from the Land of Beauty to the research of new horizons. The Land of the Big Ben welcomed us and made us freer than even before. We expressed and realised big dreams for us and our children. Everything sped up and life showed its best. The energy that opportunity gives is nothing that can be explained. This was the Land of Opportunity.
Until a hiccup, the Brexit! When I read the news that early morning, I had a strong nausea, tears could not be stoppped. I could not believe the result. The Land of Opportunity gave up on its first principle. The one that gave possibility to everyone. I felt unwelcome , unappreciated, unwanted . My knowledge and the many languages has brought some benefit to the Land of Opportunity . We each played our part to have a very good “relationship” .
Then the US elections , another hiccup… and all old memories are now totally awake. Violence, walls, enclosure, unkindness …. all things I battled for so long are now again so present. I see those walls growing again and I am not a fan of them. 40 years on and history proposes similar challenges.
The walls stop dreams and people that cannot dream is people with no future .
After all these years In which I have fought for my freedom it is challenging to cope with what happens . I know nothing else but that freedom is what enables us to reach our potential as humans . I cannot give up on my ideal of a perfect world and I hope things will get to settle for the best.
There are no walls or laws that can stop people’s curiosity and travels. It is not possible now that technology enables us to learn and experience more. The natural step is to want to experience in person and be a world citizen. I experience it every day and it is beautiful!